Thursday, September 25, 2008

my bible study group

Well, I am very pleased with the way this topic was discussed with this group of ladies. It makes me especially sad that I won't be able to complete this whole bible study with them because I think they are a wonderful group of people. Our topics discussed yesterday were tender, sensitive and very meaningful to me and I had to look away several times because tears were constantly creeping into our conversations. I felt like the speaker at the end was talking directly to me. She asked everyone to pray for those whose relationships were in turmoil, asking everyone to pray for the soldiers and their families that while they are deployed, there are no temptations from Satan and for the ones who have returned home, that they may find peace and strength through God. If only...

I was talking to my friend the last couple of days and she mentioned that our battalion is going to be offering a Financial Peace program again (Dave Ramsey). David and I took it a few years ago and it helped us tremendously with our financial situation, we actually got on the same page for a while. My friend said they were talking about how it would be nice if after the guys left a woman with whom it's worked, could lead a group of wives in the lessons. Although we are still working on it (or were), I think it would have been a great opportunity to help the would have given them something to talk about since conversations are usually only about family and life here because they can't really share what's going on over there. Speaking of things to talk about while one's spouse is deployed, I have another friend who decided that because their conversations generally only revolved around their son, they were going to do an online bible study for couples. I wish I had had that is a wonderful suggestion and I'm going to be sure to tell all my friends whose husbands are leaving to try to do something like this. It asks questions about your thoughts in your life that can deflect from the current situation, help you learn more about your spouse and provide a safe subject to discuss together. In fact, if any of you who read this blog know someone in the military and what to share with them the website (or you are part of the military family), please let them know because it contains a large variety of subjects and wonderful bible studies to do together. Because it is online, both of them can access it...the website is or

We have 4 days left. It has been a tough week. We are all a little edgy and I just keep praying for strength, courage, and peace, for understanding, guidance and love...please keep us all in your prayers...Thank you.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


Tomorrow in my Bible study group we are going to be talking about divorce and marriage...the topic is I Corinthians 7. I am interested to see what my group is going to say because only my one friend who invited me to this group knows what is going on. I am struggling because there are people who say when you are born, God has a plan for you and you are just fulfilling his plan. If that is true and I am fulfilling his plan for me, why is this happening? If this was all supposed to happen, why does it say so many times in the bible that you should not divorce? Like I have said before, I don't believe this is God's plan. We have freedom of choice. We are given brains to think through situations, come to resolutions and make choices...good and bad. I don't really feel I have a choice in this. David has made my choice for me by saying what he has said, doing what he has done and not being willing to work things out. He has set that standard from the minute he stepped foot off the plane this redeployment. It has all happened so fast I think. It's been about 116 days since he got home. We were engaged longer than it has taken for us to do this. 116 days of roller coasters, tears, frustration, sadness, fear, anger, depression, denial, hurt, worry, sleeplessness, change. I still just don't understand what happened and why this is happening. One day he's talking to me like we used to, the next he can't even look at me or utter one word. One morning he comes in to wake me and asks me if I'm going to exercise, helps me come up with something to do, and the next he can't even say goodbye. Sometimes I look at him and see him as he was, and the next minute he looks completely different, distant, withdrawn, empty. He says the war hasn't done this to him. He says he has felt this way for a long time, he says I've never fulfilled him, but I look at pictures, hear about what he said to others about us in the past and look at our children and could it have not affected him. So tomorrow, I will face a bunch of women on all ages in a bible study group and hear what they have to say with this secret nestled in my soul. It will be interesting...

Saturday, September 20, 2008

One last...

It's funny. When I was pregnant with Nicholas I knew it was going to be my last pregnancy. It was a very easy pregnancy for many reasons. One of the reasons was because we found out we were having a boy and for the first time, David was actually excited about the pregnancy. He was interested in feeling him move and taking care of me. I wasn't sick during the pregnancy and every day I woke up thinking this is the last time I will ever feel this feeling. I treasured every moment, every movement, every hiccup, every feeling. I loved being pregnant and I'm sure it showed. After Nicholas was born I was supposed to get my "tubes tied". They left the epidural in for 2 days for this reason. When the doctors at the military hospital decided they "didn't feel like doing it", they pulled the epidural and sent me home. They said I could have it done at my 6 week appointment. 6 weeks later, David was on an airplane to Iraq. Superbowl Sunday in fact. 2 1/2 months before the war started...but we knew what he was going for and we didn't know if he would be home. David called me on his birthday and told me he loved me and wouldn't say goodbye. I didn't hear from him for a long time after that...he was in the war. He came home a couple of times for short periods of time and then went back. In March of the following year he had a vasectomy...2 weeks later I found out I was four weeks pregnant. I was not prepared. I had sold all my baby clothes right after his surgery and all I could think about was, I can hardly handle 3 kids, especially with all his deployments, how am I going to care for 4? But, after I got over the shock, I started the whole process over again, this is the last time I'm 20 weeks pregnant. The last ultrasound, the last kick, the last...then after she was born, the last time I hold an infant of my own, etc. etc. It has continued to this day. I try to treasure all the moments with her and now with all of them because you never know. I find myself thinking the same thing in terms of my marriage with David now. This is the last...the last time we do this as a family, the last time...on one hand I'm fortunate to be able to do it because some people lose a loved one unexpectedly and don't treasure the last...on the other hand I will see him in the coming years and still question why don't you love me anymore? What did I ever do? or what didn't I do? Why wouldn't you try, I was willing, why weren't you? So, this will be the last week we are married. The last time we order Chinese take out as a last time...I have prayed, I have begged, I have cried, God have I cried, and now I just take in these last moments. Unless something happens this week that is truly miraculous, inspiring, life changing, this will be the one last...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Formal affair

Tomorrow is the formal. The last time I went to a group formal was literally 36 hours before Holly was born. I was having contractions that night and Aaron's family was there in rememberance of him. I remember thinking of Holly's name that night. Her name was going to be either Allison or Sabrina. (Allison was the name that Bethany and Ashley came up with because of "Allison Wonderland". They thought her last name was wonderland...I loved it because of that and because it's a cute name.) Anyway, I wore a pantsuit. 2 other very pregnant ladies were there and were supposed to wear pantsuits also and they both got dresses that day...traders. It was a fun night though. I remember I kept thinking, "I hope I don't get to go" because I was ready to have her...I'm glad I did though. Who knew it would be my last group formal. 4 years ago. It's been bittersweet seeing all the girls talking about their dresses this week (a lot of them take their children to the same preschool Holly goes to, so I'm aware, but not involved of the going's on in the battalion.) Now that I'm back to my "normal" weight and would love to go and feel confident in a dress again, I'll never go to another. Wow, so much to's stupid to feel that way, but the Army life was fun. It has been hard, but there have been so many fun things that we've been involved in and a part of. I'm going to miss the ceremonies probably the most. I always feel so proud of David at them...he has accomplished so much in his career, he has so much to be proud of. He had been an amazing leader, admired and respected by many. He has been on a great path of success in his military career. I've truly enjoyed watching him succeed time and time again. His kids had someone to honor, respect and be so proud of. Unfortunately, they probably won't see a lot of that anymore, and if they do, it won't mean as much because they won't be a part of it as much anymore. They won't suffer the long deployments as much because he won't be coming home to them, they won't see the wonderful ceremonies as often because they'll be living with me. They won't get out of school to see the amazing accomplishments because it will be a long traveling time...what changes. How sad.

My girlfriend sent me this link that seems to pertain a little to our situation...hit pause on the playlist at the bottom and's beautiful!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

One Realization

Today was a great day! My same brother of whom I spoke in my last post is a new father to another healthy baby boy! That's number 3 for them! He is beautiful. They are all doing great and his 3 year old big brother kissed him on the forehead before he left the hospital to go home and said, "I love you baby". What could be better than that?

So I was thinking today. In my whole entire family, my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, (I'm one of 6, my mom one of 5, my dad one of 3 with several cousins) there are 2 people who have gotten divorced. That's it. My Mom's sister (I don't even think I ever met her husband...Navy man, ironically) and my cousin in California. That's it (I think)! That is why I feel like I'm wearing a scarlet letter (even though I didn't do anything to deserve it) and why I feel so alienated. In David's family, his parents were both divorced before they married each other, his oldest sister is divorced and remarried, his brother is divorced, I don't know about his aunts and uncles because his mom is one of 14 and I don't really know much about his Dad's siblings if he had any (I think he did). The differences are amazing. Whether people have been devoted because it is the right thing to do, or because they have worked through their differences, they have for the most part, in my family, stayed together...followed God's plan/law. No wonder I feel like I'm a failure. BUT, as I was reading I Corinthians, Chapter 7, something else dawned on me. The BIBLE talks about divorce. These writings that are over 2000 years old talk about divorce! This is not something new, this is an age-old problem that people have been dealing with for literally thousands of years. This has become a huge problem since the 1960-1970's, but it is not a YOUNG problem. I am not the first, I will not be the last and I have a lot going for me that women before me never could have dreamed of. I am able to get a good job, that I love. I am able to support my children and see them grow up...I won't be there for everything, but because I will only need one job, I will be there for a lot! I am able to not only survive this, but thrive and be happy. God has a plan for me! I have become so much closer to God through all this than I have ever been in my life. That's one check for God! I am reading the bible every day, like I have never done before in my life. That's two checks for God! My family is amazing...they have supported me and loved me and guided me and given me hope and strength through all of this and I'm sure will continue to do so. What an amazing gift! My friends have risen to the challenge to support me through all of this and have offered more love, guidance and compassion than I could ever dream of. They say you find out who your friends are in times like these and boy do I have some AMAZING friends. What a life I have! How could I fail? With God, my family and all my friends I have the best I could ever ask for! Thank you all for your prayers, love and support...without it I could not have gotten through this, and although it is not over, I realize...truly realize that I am getting the best part of this whole deal. I may not have a husband, but I have a terrific group of people that I love, who love me back, and I have an AWESOME God! So, thank you!

Thursday, September 11, 2008


Well, yesterday I called to confirm next Thursday's appointment and it was never, no appointment next week. Our new appt. is for 29 September. So, a new date to dread. Today I had 2 kids home sick...fevers and hoarseness, coughs and sore throats. BUT, we had tickets to see Disney on Ice, so...we dragged them. (I'm sure the people around us will unknowingly thank me for that, but I wanted the kids to go and have something fun to think about). We all went. Again, probably our last family outing. David has been giving me the silent treatment the last couple of days and tonight was no exception. I guess it's better than telling me I'm fat and ugly and will never have another man love me...but still, the kids noticed the absence of chit-chat. They didn't even try. So, we got there and the 3 girls sat around/on me and there was a space and Nicholas sat next to his buddy. I think they all enjoyed it. Ashley and Holly were half asleep until Tinkerbell and the new fairies came on...Holly was the perfect 3 year old after that. Clapping at the right moments, waving every time Tinkerbell waved and smiling from ear to ear despite her fever. I loved holding her and watching her amazement. Such innocence. Unfortunately, I looked over and Nicholas was crying due to something David did, not once but twice. I think it was meant to be a tickle that was too hard, but he was mad. At the end, Nicholas just wanted to walk next to me and hold my hand. They all fell asleep in the car and we listened to, of course, which isn't probably the best music to listen to in our situation. On the way it was all breaking up music, on the way home it was all music about being a good husband and father...maybe it made him think...I doubt it. I just silently cried. I think sometimes this is never going to end...and still we push on...I'm sure eventually the hurt will fade...but I don't think that's going to happen for a while.

Funny, I was reading I Corinthians 1:24-31 and realized that he is making himself strong to live a long life...but the Bible says "God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong"...foolish to shame the wise...and realized that he thinks he is strong and wise regarding these matters, when in fact he is truly weak and foolish because he has lost perspective.

Speaking of perspective, many of you may not know that my brother worked at the Pentagon when it was struck by the plane on 9/11. His office was burned out due to the flames from the plane, and he was in it when it hit! I called him today to tell him I love him and I was thinking of him and he told me he has a frame on his current desk that says something to the effect of "don't lose perspective" or "keep your perspective". When he opens it there is a picture of his wife and 2 children on one side and a picture of his office after the plane hit on the other. I told the kids about that day tonight in the car on the way to the show and told them about his picture. David obviously heard to. These are the things I think about...and how could he have lost his perspective? Like I said, he is working out to live a long, healthy life for what? For who? He has lost his focus and is pushing away his family. Where is his perspective?

Monday, September 8, 2008

Just sad...

We had a quiet weekend, dealing with another virus. School must be in session, seems we attract every bug possible. Oh course, with stress levels as they are, it only makes sense that we catch by one, or two by two at the case may be. He was gone all day each day which made things much more relaxing. The kids keep asking me why this is happening, Ashley says often, "I feel like this is a dream and I hope I wake up from it." Holly says, "Daddy doesn't love you but he loves me." Amazing how a 3 year old can innocently say something that just cuts to the core. We had another family counseling session on Saturday. The kids didn't want to go because they say it's boring and they don't always want to answer the questions. I'm sure it's hard. It's hard for me just to keep from crying the whole time sometimes. Every time I think about next Thursday, I'm just overwhelmed with sadness and tears well up. I can't help myself. I picked up Holly from school today and she asked me if I was happy. I told her I was happy to be with her...and she said, "but are you happy?" I didn't know what she was trying to say. I simply answered I'm happy to be with her. I'm sad to think that when my kids are sick I won't be able to stay home with them and help them feel better. I won't be able to be at all their events because work will get in the way, David won't be able to see most of their lives except for what they are like when on "vacation" with him. He won't know their norm...and I will know it less and less. I still hate this. I'm anxious to see what happens next week, but I totally dread what will come of it. I dread the uncertainty of it all and the finality it suggests.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Two week notice

Today it is two weeks until mediation. Two weeks until we are possibly no longer husband and wife. This is my "two week notice". Hard to believe. All these years, all this time and we have 2 weeks left. We had a bad Labor Day...awful things were said (mostly by him) and in front of the kids. Bad examples were set and everyone cried. I had one chaplain e-mail me to tell me he was praying for us and said that the Bible says to love another as yourself. If he is treating us all this way, how, then must he feel about himself? If he is being so hateful toward us, is he loathing himself? I pray every day for him...sometimes, many times... that he will find peace. He seems tormented and alone. I think that is why he waivers so often. He regrets things he has said and done and takes one small step to improve the situation, without offering too much hope of resolution. I want to hate him, and at moments I do, but I can't stop loving him. He is etched into my soul...we have had a life together, we have 4 kids together, we have been through so much and now this. I have a hard time believing that this is God's plan because I don't think God would want us to do this. I have a hard time with my faith because I know this is wrong, yet I can't really stop it. I can't keep exposing my kids and myself to the emotional stress that he is creating, but I still can't accept that this is what should happen. So two weeks is what I have left. Please God let them be filled with more peace than hate, more kind words than hurtful, more good times than bad and more love. If he can't change now, at least make him be nice.


Related Posts with Thumbnails