Sunday, August 31, 2008


Today was a hard day. I took Bethany to Walmart to get a few things for her science project and while I was gone, David decided to move all of his things out of our room/closet into what used to be Nicholas' room. He has been sleeping in there for several weeks, but still coming into our room to change (of course while I was not there.) Well, he decided he didn't like living between two rooms and officially "moved out". It's one thing to say it's going to happen, but each weekend there are new steps taken that reinforce the idea that we are separating and he is going on without me. I just watched and as I watched my heart felt heavier and heavier and I just had to leave the room and cry it out. I still can not understand why this is happening, what happened that makes him want to leave me and what am I going to do without him. My whole life has centered around him for 15 years...and now...

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


Well, I have 4 CEU's left (continuing education units) before my Ohio Nursing License is eligible for re-activation. Amazing. Today I started to think about the hiring process...forget about the fact that I haven't been gainfully employed for nearly 7 years, how do you write a resume that will sound appealing to a hospital or employment agency? Wow...all these things you forget about in the comfort of your stay-at-home lifestyle now ever present and daunting. I used to have a pretty good resume. I thought my resume writing abilities were great and it was a very easy process, but what do you write about when you haven't done anything "professional" in a long time. Sure I have some experience with the FRG, but I have been taking care of little ones and attending to their every need for 10 years now. I've lost a lot of what made me a good nurse simply because the opportunities didn't present themselves. My brain cells have been fried, or lost due to multiple pregnancies and my ability to complete sentences and thoughts for that matter has all but vanished also. When I sit down to interview with my perspective employer, what do I say? I'm desparate for a position because I have 4 babies at home and my husband decided he didn't want to be responsible anymore? I beg you to give me a position because I don't have enough money to provide for my children...what a demeaning position he has left me in...forget about the fact that he isn't taking care of us, forget about the fact that he isn't "in love" with me anymore, now I'm reduced to this. I truly hope when the time comes, I have better answers and can complete sentences that are reasonable and intelligent. At least I'll have the refresher course from a well-known University on my resume to make it look like I'm trying...Don't get me wrong, I love nursing and in some sort of sick way, I'm looking forward to getting paid for caring for people. It was very fulfilling and rewarding for me. I don't know how it's changed, but I hope that aspect is still present. I'm afraid I'm going to have to settle for a position just to get my foot back in the door, but I guess I'll do my time again. Seems I always end up doing time, but at least this will be MY time, MY life, MY new beginning.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Out of Body Experience

Tonight was the elementary school Open House. Normally, this is a fun night. The kids are excited for me to meet their teachers, see their new classroom and soak in the atmosphere in which they will be enveloped for the next 10 months; but tonight was different. The girls were very low key, hesitant and cautious. We visited Bethany's teachers first and each of them approached me with "that look". You know..."you poor thing" but didn't say anything about what is happening. I thanked them for their patience and understanding of the situation without actually saying the "D" word because it is still hard for me to utter out loud. As I walked down the hall toward Ashley's room I ran into several of the neighborhood families with bright smiles on their faces eagerly ready to meet their children's new teachers and watched the expressions immediately change to that of sympathy watching me with my four sedate children walking through the halls. I felt like I was floating through the halls, emotion drained from my body. When we finally approached Ashley's room, I used all of my energy to keep from crying before entering the classroom. Ashley's teacher cautiously approached me and began to tell me that my wonderfully bright, loving and well-behaved child was none of these at school this year. Forgetting homework, misbehaving in class and essentially crying out for attention because of all the anger and sorrow she is feeling. What is he doing to our family? Does he have any idea how this is truly affecting them? I left her room feeling like I'm failing her...all of them. We progress to Nicholas' room and immediately see the family of one of Ashley's friends whom we haven't seen all summer. She comes up to me and gives me a hug and says, "I bet you are loving having your husband home!" The dam breaks...I can't hide it anymore. I explain to her what our summer has been like and she just looks at me in shock. It is all so overwhelming. We finally get into his classroom and see all the wonderful projects he has done and visit the areas of his classroom he enjoys the most and I need to get out of there. His first year of school is clouded by this tremendous life-changing event that has consumed our lives. What an awful way to start. They all want to take me to see their gym teacher, Mr. Hill. He is wonderful...recently married to Bethany's 4th grade teacher and such a wonderful male role model for the school. He tells me how great my children are and how great a job I am doing with them. He loves having all of them in class and especially loves Nicholas' enthusiasm and good behavior. He looks at me with sad eyes that tell me he's so sorry for our circumstances and again, I have to look away for fear he'll see the tears welling up in my eyes. It is not supposed to be this emotional to go to an open house, but the uncertainty of how long we will be here and the sadness for the attachment we've all made to this school in the short time we've been here is again overwhelming. Our final stop...the guidance counselor. Ms. Debbie has been helping the kids since day 1 of school. She has been a Godsend and immediately hugs me and doesn't let go...I can't stop crying now. She sits and talks with me for 1/2 hour while the kids play in her office. She tells me there are 3 other families already this school year going through the same thing...all military, all returned home from deployments this summer. She remembers the excitement the children had with anticipation of their Daddys arrival home from deployment at the end of the year, and now this beginning of the year dealing with this. She tries to convince me that I didn't fail, but I feel like I have failed my children. They will not have the same upbringing my parents gave me, his parents gave him. It will be instead, shuffling between homes, sometimes here, sometimes there, will he remarry, will I, will they have step families, what will he be there for, if anything, where will we live, who will be there for us when we get home from school? Nicholas' biggest fear is coming home to no one. Bethany's biggest concern is what her Daddy will be, dances, major events. Ashley is just so sad. Holly probably won't remember having him as a significant part of her everyday life. It is all so unfair. So stupid and for what? I just wake up somedays hoping that the nightmare is over and look over only to see that Holly is sleeping in my bed because Nicholas is sleeping in Holly's bed because David is sleeping in Nicholas' bed. I just wish I could fast forward 2 years and see how it will all turn out...I just have to tell myself that "I can do anything through God who strengthens me" if I could just believe it.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Season of firsts

Another new first. Although he won't get to ride it every day for another week and a half, Nicholas got to ride the bus today. He was so excited he jumped out of bed at 6:30am, got dressed as quickly as possible and asked me to help him with his hair. He was completely ready by 7:30, lunch packed, breakfast eaten...waiting. Another 40 minutes had to pass before he could walk to the bus stop. It was a family affair...all of us (except Rudder) walked Nicholas to his first ride on the bus. He was so big...just said, "bye" and climbed on. He never looked back. It took a lot to choke back the tears and not let them see me cry. Fortunately, Bethany and Ashley were just as excited to have him, and the three of them sat in the same seat and waved to us as they left. What a bittersweet moment it was.

It's just you and me Holly...

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Oh, Rudder update.

I almost forgot. I discovered it isn't just liver failure, it's liver cancer and mesothelioma...another type of cancer. Amazingly though, his tummy is less distended and he is doing/feeling a little better. Maybe it's the extra love and TLC he's getting. I'm not hopeful for a long time, but I'm glad he's more comfortable. He's such a good boy...

First Day

I can't believe my little boy is in Kindergarten. What an emotional day. It started out a lot differently than I thought. Nicholas has always LOVED school and I thought he would be so excited about starting Kindergarten. Well, to my surprise, he wasn't thrilled...and not because of the "normal" reasons. I went into his room to wake him and he didn't want to get up. I got all excited and talked about how great it was going to be and he told me he didn't want to go. What? Why? "because I'm not going to be teached today!" You see, the first day was only about an hour long and I went with him. He was quite upset that it wasn't going to be a "real" day of school...what a funny boy! So the first two weeks of school here the Kindergartener's only go one full day each week to allow for testing. Then they start every day on the 25th. This does not make him happy! I think once it gets going, everything will be fine for on the other hand, I'm not so sure. I'm going to miss the constant hugs and kisses, the "you're the best, Mommy", the "I love you SOOO much" and the fun we have playing games and coloring. He's starting to "read" already and recognizes words. He loves for me to read to him and he loves to try to read his books to me. It will be an amazing year for all of us, but his success will be so wonderful to watch. He is so excited about school, and I'm excited for him. Here's to a wonderful year...where-ever we end up!
Little Man, Big School!
Love at first sight!
My Big Boy!

For the girls, it was a little of a rough start. The bus arrived 10 minutes early! Fortunately, it goes through our neighborhood and back out, so they got it on the way out! They reported that they LOVED their teachers (even though Bethany really wanted Mr. Holt, she's glad she didn't get him because he already gave out homework...yeah for her!) Ashley already proved how smart she is by knowing all her dulch words. I met her teacher last night and she already fell in love with Ashley.
all kids Hopefully, it'll be good for a while!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

When it rains, it pours...

Well, my first baby, Rudder, our maltese dog, was diagnosed today with liver failure. It is only a matter of time (probably days) before I have to take him to be put down. Amidst all that is going on in our lives at the moment, my children and I have to face yet another loss. He is the best dog! I'm going to miss him SOOO much!!!



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