Out of Body Experience

Tonight was the elementary school Open House. Normally, this is a fun night. The kids are excited for me to meet their teachers, see their new classroom and soak in the atmosphere in which they will be enveloped for the next 10 months; but tonight was different. The girls were very low key, hesitant and cautious. We visited Bethany's teachers first and each of them approached me with "that look". You know..."you poor thing" but didn't say anything about what is happening. I thanked them for their patience and understanding of the situation without actually saying the "D" word because it is still hard for me to utter out loud. As I walked down the hall toward Ashley's room I ran into several of the neighborhood families with bright smiles on their faces eagerly ready to meet their children's new teachers and watched the expressions immediately change to that of sympathy watching me with my four sedate children walking through the halls. I felt like I was floating through the halls, emotion drained from my body. When we finally approached Ashley's room, I used all of my energy to keep from crying before entering the classroom. Ashley's teacher cautiously approached me and began to tell me that my wonderfully bright, loving and well-behaved child was none of these at school this year. Forgetting homework, misbehaving in class and essentially crying out for attention because of all the anger and sorrow she is feeling. What is he doing to our family? Does he have any idea how this is truly affecting them? I left her room feeling like I'm failing her...all of them. We progress to Nicholas' room and immediately see the family of one of Ashley's friends whom we haven't seen all summer. She comes up to me and gives me a hug and says, "I bet you are loving having your husband home!" The dam breaks...I can't hide it anymore. I explain to her what our summer has been like and she just looks at me in shock. It is all so overwhelming. We finally get into his classroom and see all the wonderful projects he has done and visit the areas of his classroom he enjoys the most and I need to get out of there. His first year of school is clouded by this tremendous life-changing event that has consumed our lives. What an awful way to start. They all want to take me to see their gym teacher, Mr. Hill. He is wonderful...recently married to Bethany's 4th grade teacher and such a wonderful male role model for the school. He tells me how great my children are and how great a job I am doing with them. He loves having all of them in class and especially loves Nicholas' enthusiasm and good behavior. He looks at me with sad eyes that tell me he's so sorry for our circumstances and again, I have to look away for fear he'll see the tears welling up in my eyes. It is not supposed to be this emotional to go to an open house, but the uncertainty of how long we will be here and the sadness for the attachment we've all made to this school in the short time we've been here is again overwhelming. Our final stop...the guidance counselor. Ms. Debbie has been helping the kids since day 1 of school. She has been a Godsend and immediately hugs me and doesn't let go...I can't stop crying now. She sits and talks with me for 1/2 hour while the kids play in her office. She tells me there are 3 other families already this school year going through the same thing...all military, all returned home from deployments this summer. She remembers the excitement the children had with anticipation of their Daddys arrival home from deployment at the end of the year, and now this beginning of the year dealing with this. She tries to convince me that I didn't fail, but I feel like I have failed my children. They will not have the same upbringing my parents gave me, his parents gave him. It will be instead, shuffling between homes, sometimes here, sometimes there, will he remarry, will I, will they have step families, what will he be there for, if anything, where will we live, who will be there for us when we get home from school? Nicholas' biggest fear is coming home to no one. Bethany's biggest concern is what her Daddy will be missing...games, dances, major events. Ashley is just so sad. Holly probably won't remember having him as a significant part of her everyday life. It is all so unfair. So stupid and for what? I just wake up somedays hoping that the nightmare is over and look over only to see that Holly is sleeping in my bed because Nicholas is sleeping in Holly's bed because David is sleeping in Nicholas' bed. I just wish I could fast forward 2 years and see how it will all turn out...I just have to tell myself that "I can do anything through God who strengthens me"...now if I could just believe it.