Tomorrow...

Tomorrow in my Bible study group we are going to be talking about divorce and marriage...the topic is I Corinthians 7. I am interested to see what my group is going to say because only my one friend who invited me to this group knows what is going on. I am struggling because there are people who say when you are born, God has a plan for you and you are just fulfilling his plan. If that is true and I am fulfilling his plan for me, why is this happening? If this was all supposed to happen, why does it say so many times in the bible that you should not divorce? Like I have said before, I don't believe this is God's plan. We have freedom of choice. We are given brains to think through situations, come to resolutions and make choices...good and bad. I don't really feel I have a choice in this. David has made my choice for me by saying what he has said, doing what he has done and not being willing to work things out. He has set that standard from the minute he stepped foot off the plane this redeployment. It has all happened so fast I think. It's been about 116 days since he got home. We were engaged longer than it has taken for us to do this. 116 days of roller coasters, tears, frustration, sadness, fear, anger, depression, denial, hurt, worry, sleeplessness, change. I still just don't understand what happened and why this is happening. One day he's talking to me like we used to, the next he can't even look at me or utter one word. One morning he comes in to wake me and asks me if I'm going to exercise, helps me come up with something to do, and the next he can't even say goodbye. Sometimes I look at him and see him as he was, and the next minute he looks completely different, distant, withdrawn, empty. He says the war hasn't done this to him. He says he has felt this way for a long time, he says I've never fulfilled him, but I look at pictures, hear about what he said to others about us in the past and look at our children and wonder...how could it have not affected him. So tomorrow, I will face a bunch of women on all ages in a bible study group and hear what they have to say with this secret nestled in my soul. It will be interesting...