One last...

It's funny. When I was pregnant with Nicholas I knew it was going to be my last pregnancy. It was a very easy pregnancy for many reasons. One of the reasons was because we found out we were having a boy and for the first time, David was actually excited about the pregnancy. He was interested in feeling him move and taking care of me. I wasn't sick during the pregnancy and every day I woke up thinking this is the last time I will ever feel this feeling. I treasured every moment, every movement, every hiccup, every feeling. I loved being pregnant and I'm sure it showed. After Nicholas was born I was supposed to get my "tubes tied". They left the epidural in for 2 days for this reason. When the doctors at the military hospital decided they "didn't feel like doing it", they pulled the epidural and sent me home. They said I could have it done at my 6 week appointment. 6 weeks later, David was on an airplane to Iraq. Superbowl Sunday in fact. 2 1/2 months before the war started...but we knew what he was going for and we didn't know if he would be home. David called me on his birthday and told me he loved me and wouldn't say goodbye. I didn't hear from him for a long time after that...he was in the war. He came home a couple of times for short periods of time and then went back. In March of the following year he had a vasectomy...2 weeks later I found out I was four weeks pregnant. I was not prepared. I had sold all my baby clothes right after his surgery and all I could think about was, I can hardly handle 3 kids, especially with all his deployments, how am I going to care for 4? But, after I got over the shock, I started the whole process over again, this is the last time I'm 20 weeks pregnant. The last ultrasound, the last kick, the last...then after she was born, the last time I hold an infant of my own, etc. etc. It has continued to this day. I try to treasure all the moments with her and now with all of them because you never know. I find myself thinking the same thing in terms of my marriage with David now. This is the last...the last time we do this as a family, the last time...on one hand I'm fortunate to be able to do it because some people lose a loved one unexpectedly and don't treasure the last...on the other hand I will see him in the coming years and still question why don't you love me anymore? What did I ever do? or what didn't I do? Why wouldn't you try, I was willing, why weren't you? So, this will be the last week we are married. The last time we order Chinese take out as a family...one last time...I have prayed, I have begged, I have cried, God have I cried, and now I just take in these last moments. Unless something happens this week that is truly miraculous, inspiring, life changing, this will be the one last...